Sentance Variety

I couldn't move, all I saw was the huge quad that was like 5 inches away, it can run over me. I reached over to my leg...

I couldn't.

I remembered the day my mom told me that quads were dangerous, i said i could do it and that nothing would happen.

The next day we went back to San Diego.

"Hot Spot"

Before:
"Jocelyne are you okay?" said my cousin. I was on the floor, my nose hurt A LOT so i just groaned. I felt cool blood running down my face. I was shoked, i couldn't move, all i saw was the huge quad that was like 5 inches away, it can runover me.



After:
Ugh my nose hurts so much.
"Jocelyne are you okay? " said my cousin looking down at me. I was on the floor, my nose hurt A LOT so i just groaned. I can't move! Ouch! My leg hurts so much. Should I take off my helmet? I felt cool blood running down my face. I fell... I was shocked, i couldn't move, all i saw was the huge quad that was like 5 inches away, it can run over me. I reached over to my leg...
Agh! What happened?
I had deep scrapes. How did that happen? I touched my leg.
Ugh! It hurts!
I tried to stand up.
I couldn't.
I burst into tears but that just made my nose hurt.
I did it any way.
Aren't quads suposed to be fun?

Interior Monologue

This is a technique where a characters thoughts are incorporated into the writing. This allows the reader a "peek" into the head of the characters.
No quotation marks are necessary. The thoughts are frequently written in italics.
Is there a spot in your memoir where you would like to share the thoughts of the character with the reader.



Then again I had to think should I go all the way down on go into the weeds and brush?

It's just a little hill I thought.

Incorporating dialog w/geture

In my Rough draft #2 I added:

"But I wore a helmet" I cried while feeling my nose.

"Well...I'm sorry"the doctor sighed going out of the room.

"Jocelyne are you okay? " said my cousin looking down at me

Rough Draft #2

Me, My Cousin, And The Hill

You know when your mom tells you, you can't do something because it's dangerous? Well, listen to them, most of the time they are right.
* * *
Have you ever been on a quad? Alone?
It's the best thing in the world right?
No!!!
Believe me....

It was just me, my cousin and the hill.

"Aghhhh!"I yelled as I tried to step the breack on my quad. "Stop!" said my cousin because we were about to crash.

I had no choice, I had to dodge my cousin. It's just a little hill I thought. I was already half way up the hill, I would fall if I stayed there thinking. I went for it, I went all the way to the top of the hill but there wasn't enough space for both of us on the top. Then again I had to think should I go all the way down on go into the weeds and brush? and all a sudden i fell! I went down hill!
Nothing I could do except fall into the huge rocks. Eeeeeeek! The quad was stopped by one of the rocks and now I'm up in the air!

Ugh my nose hurts so much.
"Jocelyne are you okay? " said my cousin looking down at me. I was on the floor, my nose hurt A LOT so I just groaned. I can't move! Ouch! My leg hurts so much. Should I take off my helmet? The cool blood running down my face. I fell... I was shocked, I couldn't move, all I saw was the huge quad that was like 5 inches away, it can run over me. I reached over to my leg...
Agh! What happened?
I had deep scrapes. How did that happen? I touched my leg.
Ugh! It hurts!
I tried to stand up.
I couldn't.
I burst into tears but that just made my nose hurt.
I did it any way.

Aren't quads suposed to be fun?
I remembered the day my mom told me that quads were dangerous, i said i could do it and that nothing would happen.

My cousin came back with my uncle. They took off my helmet and cleaned all the blood on my face they took me home.

The next day we went back to San Diego.

The doctor said as he looked at my X-rays
"I think you may have broken your nose"
And...
All I did was cry agin!
"But I wore a helmet" I cried while feeling my nose.
"Well...I'm sorry"the doctor sighed going out of the room.

Nothing I could do agin!

I knew it my mom was RIGHT!
Before I went on the quad she told me
"Quads are dangerous"

* * *
Listen to your mom.

Dif. Leads

There are 5 types of leads
Here they are:
-Posing Question

-Astonishing Fact

-Spoken Word

-Setting the Mood

-Arresting Sentence

Here are my ideas:

-Posing Question
What just happened?

-Spoken Word
"Are you okay?"

-Setting the Mood
Just me my cousin and the hill. Nothing else.

Flashback tequniqe

"Jocelyne..."said the doctor while looking at my x-rays,"I think you may have a broke your nose."
"Huh?"I said touching my nose.
"Your nose started to bleed when you fell right?"
"Yes"

* * *

Rough Draft #1

"Aghhhh!"I yelled as I tried to step the breack on my quad. "STOP!!!!!" said my cousin because we were about to crash.
I had no choice, I had to dodge my cousin. It's just a little hill I thought. I was already half way up the hill, I would fall if I stayed there thinking. I went for it, I went all the way to the top of the hill but there wasnt enough space for both of us on the top. Then agin I had to think should I go all the way down on go into the weeds and brush? and all a sudden i fell! I went down hill!! Nothing I could do exept fall into the huge rocks. Eeeeeeek! The quad was stopped by one of the rocks and now i'm up in the air!
"Jocelyne are you okay?" said my cousin. I was on the floor, my nose hurt A LOT so i just groaned. I felt cool blood running down my face, I was scared as a mouse to a mouse trap. I was shoked, i couldn't move, all i saw was the huge quad that was like 5 inches away, it can runover me.
When my cousin went to get help all i did was cry. I reamembered thet day my mom told me that quads were dangerous, i said i could do it and that nothing would happen.
My cousin came back with my uncle. They took off my helmet and cleaned all the blood on my face they took me home.